(Originally appeared on UltimateFootballBlog.com)
Welcome to the Ultimate Football Blog Week Four Power Rankings. Like most power rankings, this list is highly official and should never be doubted. If you disagree with it, you’re probably a moron and shouldn’t be on this blog. Enjoy.
1. South Park
If you didn’t watch last week’s South Park season premiere titled “Go Fund Yourself” go do so right now. I’ll wait. Now, wasn’t that hilarious? I was dying at Robot Goodell and the entire Washington Redskins plot. South Park is at their best when they give their take on real-life situations and pop culture. This week was no different.
2. Steve Smith Sr.
It was Steve Smith week in Carolina as he played the Panthers for the first time in his career. I told my dad that Smith would have at least 150 yards and 3 touchdowns in the game. While I wasn’t quite on the money, it was still better than anything my Panthers did on Sunday.
3. Dennis Allen
This is the highest he'll ever be ranked since he's now unemployed. He had a good run in Oakland. I'll never forget that one game where he made that one decision that won the game. In fairness to Allen, even though he's a terrible head coach, it's not like the Raiders are the best run franchise in the league.
4. Relaxed Aaron Rodgers
All it takes to fix the Packers offense is Aaron Rodgers telling everyone that he's still Aaron Rodgers and they should chill the fuck out. A shitty and depleted Bears secondary doesn't hurt either.
5. Teddy Bridgewater
I believe Dustin James and Steve Cook have already declared him the best quarterback ever.
6. J.J. Watt Scoring More Touchdowns
J.J. Watt has more touchdowns this season than Arian Foster, Adrian Peterson, and LeSean McCoy, and Matt Forte combined.
7. The INT Battle
Things are heating up as we have a 5-way tie for first place. Eli Manning still has to be the favorite, but Jay Cutler was in prime Jay Cutler form this past weekend.
8. The Bucs Bounce Back
A week after getting thumped by the Falcons, the Buccaneers beat the Steelers, who thumped the Panthers last week, on a last second touchdown. The NFL, man.
9. Philip Rivers
Mr. Rivers is the weekly recipient of the "player lucky enough to play the Jaguars defense" slot this week.
10. Andrew Luck Against The Division
I'm just going to assume he'll throw for 4 TDs in every single division game.
20. Tom Brady’s Retirement
Tom Brady said he would retire when he sucks. He’s sure sucked this year.
32. Geno Smith
I'm officially reserving this spot every week for Geno until the Jets smarten up and bench him.
49. Ryan Tannehill
Just because you lit up the Raiders doesn't mean your starting job is any safer. But have you seen his wife?
50. The 49ers Clock Management
They won the game, but boy did they try hard to blow it with their terrible clock management and use of timeouts.
55. The Saints Offense
Before the season everyone said that the Cowboys might have one of the worst defenses ever. Last week Austin Davis and the Rams put up 31 points. Somehow the Saints only managed 17 points.
62. The Tweet Delete Guy
On Sunday some guy reported that Dennis Allen was fired. Then he deleted his tweet and said he was wrong. On Monday Jay Glazer said Dennis Allen was fired. Dude should've just stuck by his tweet. Allen wasn't going to make it to game five. He should've never made it to game one.
70. Panthers Running Backs
The Panthers have like $100 million tied up in DeAngelo Williams, Jonathan Stewart, and Mike Tolbert. So heading into week five, someone who is currently unemployed or Darrin Reaves will be starting for the Panthers at RB.
90. EJ Manuel and the 2-0 Buffalo Bills
Remember when Bills fans were all excited because their team was 2-0 and Manuel actually looked like a decent quarterback. Like I told you two weeks ago, don’t get too excited, we had been there before. Look at them now. The Bills are 2-2 and Manuel is on the bench. At least they are staying in Buffalo.
100. Bye Weeks
It sucks when every team in the league doesn't play every week.
101. Johnny Manziel
I wonder how he spent his bye week.
199. Kirk Cousins > Robert Griffin III
Where are those people at now?
200. Thursday Night Games
Four Thursday Night Games. Four blowouts. Even though these games suck, as long as the NFL is making money off of them, they aren’t going anywhere.
1,000. ESPN
Bill Simmons called out Roger Goodell and then dared ESPN to suspend him for saying exactly what everyone else was thinking. So ESPN suspended him. Why? Because the NFL makes them a billion more dollars than Simmons.
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