Welcome to the Ultimate Football Blog Week Fifteen Power Rankings. Like most power rankings, this list is highly official and should never be doubted. If you disagree with it, you’re probably a moron.
(Also at UltimateFootballBlog.com)
I lost my Carolina Panthers virginity this past weekend.
As part of my Christmas present, my girlfriend bought us tickets to the Panthers vs. Tampa Bay Buccaneers game. The Panthers haven’t been good this year and the Bucs are even worse, but I was still excited to attend my first NFL game.
Let’s start with the bad news: During the week, Cam Newton got into a car accident and was ruled out of the game. When a team is bad, you want to see stars. I wanted to see Cam play because he’s one of the more exciting players in the league. Some moron on the highway ruined that for me. The other bad news was that I ended up wearing an Oklahoma City Thunder shirt for the first quarter of the game. My plan was to get a custom jersey for the game so I put my order in on Saturday, thinking it would be ready before the game on Sunday. It wasn’t. So while my girlfriend wore a Panthers jersey and hat, I wore a NBA shirt while waiting for my jersey to be made.
Everything else is good news.
The seats were amazing. They were in the 500 section on the 50-yard line. I got a nice view of the entire field. We were also surrounded by good Panthers fans, meaning guys who understood and knew the game, liked to joke around, and didn’t get drunk off their ass to the point of annoyance. The game turned out to be a good one as well. Sure it was a battle of two teams with losing records, but because the NFC South sucks, the Panthers had something to play for. It came down to the final minutes and I was happy that my team was able to pull it off despite not having their starting quarterback.
I made sure to mention that I write for the esteemed Ultimate Football Blog and people seemed very impressed. I’m sure once they visit the website they’ll realize that I’m just some loser with no life who likes to write about football.
1. Ultimate Back-Up Derek Anderson
2-0 as a starter this year. 67% completion, 701 yards, five touchdowns, no interceptions, 105.2 QB rating. Suck on that, Cleveland.
2. Odell Beckham Jr.
This kid missed the first five games of the season and is still in the top 15 in receiving yards and touchdowns. Oh yeah, he’s a rookie. It’s a great year for rookie wide receivers and OBJ might be the best of them.
3. Thursday Night Field Goals
The Thursday night games haven’t been good this season, but they might’ve peaked this week as the Cardinals beat the Rams 4 field goals to 2.
4. Marcus Mariota
I guess this guy won the Hiesman over the weekend and some dude on my twitter timeline keeps retweeting all kinds of praise for him. It sounds like teams are willing to sell their family in order to draft him. I’ve never seen him play.
5. Buffalo Bills
The Green Bay Packers were the hottest team in the league. So of course the Bills would make Aaron Rodgers and company look average and defeat them. As good as the Packers have been this season, their road record is very worrying.
6. Dez Bryant
Dez got into it with Eagles safety Malcolm Jenkins before the game on Sunday. I’m sure the ever humble Dez was like, “Good luck man. Your team is really good and it’s gonna be tough, but I’m gonna try my hardest.” Then he caught six passes for 114 yards and three touchdowns.
7. New England Patriots AFC East Reign
That makes six straight division titles for the Patriots.
8. Quarterback Trade Rumors
Andy Dalton, Jay Cutler, and Colin Kaepernick have all been subject to trade rumors this past week. After seeing them play, who would want them?
9. Baltimore Ravens Special Teams
A blocked punt for a TD and Justin Tucker kicked two field goals. GOOD JOB SPECIAL TEAMS!
10. The INT Battle
THAT’S JAY CUTLER’S MUSIC!!!!!!
32. Geno Smith
Geno played well and the Jets won. But he’s still Geno Smith.
104. Richard Sherman
No interceptions against Colin Kaepernick? Sherman has fallen off.
200. Mark Sanchez Since Thanksgiving
Sanchez played well against the Cowboys on Thanksgiving. In the past two weeks however, he’s back to being Mark Sanchez: a fringe quarterback who makes too many mistakes.
276. DeMarco Murray’s Hand
And things were going so well for the Cowboys.
300. Andy Dalton
14/24 for 117 yards and an interception. His team won 30-0.
500. McFadden/MJD Combo
Four carries for 19 yards. Remember when people were kind of excited for this duo in the offseason?
650. Washington Redskins
Can things get any worse for this team right now? They want to trade their QB of the future, they’re going to fire their coach, and now they are attacking refs. At least their Christmas special did well.
1000. Johnny Not So Football
The big story throughout the week was Johnny Manziel’s first start. Cable networks went crazy covering this story. Johnny Football has finally arrived and he’s playing the rival Cincinnati Bengals with a head coach that called him a midget. JOHNNY FOOTBALL WOULD NOT STAND FOR BEING CALLED A MIDGET! Well, he sure showed them. 10/18 for 80 yards and two interceptions. He also ran for 13 yards. The good news is that he might get to play the Panthers this weekend.
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