Every day my Canadian heterosexual life partner Samer Kadi and I text about the NBA. We talk about last night’s games and come up with wacky ideas, trades, and teams. One wacky team we came up with is Team Bitch Made.
The definition of “bitch made” is as followed: a player who feels the need to complain about everything, is usually described as soft, will sometimes play dirty, definitely flops, and just generally acts like a little bitch.
Earlier this week Samer and I settled on the ten players who made the cut for Team Bitch Made along with the head coach and owner. It was a long process, but we feel that we’ve assembled the bitchiest team possible in the NBA.
Starters
PG: Chris Paul
Paul is often described as a leader because of how passionate he is. We believe that he’s a little bitch because he’s usually only passionate when he’s complaining to the ref about every single non-call. No point guard in the league works the refs like Chris Paul.
SG: Dwyane Wade (Team Captain)
Samer appointed Wade as the team captain and for good reason. Wade is not only on this year’s Team Bitch Made, he’s on the All-Time Team Bitch Made. Whether he’s hitting people in the dick, fake coughing, flopping, or just complaining about everything; Wade defines bitch made.
SF: LeBron James
LeBron is one of the strongest and most athletic players in the game. So how come he falls over when guys like Kyle Korver run into him? Because he’s bitch made. He’s the biggest flopper in the league and, like Paul, complains about every single non-call to the refs. He even complains in post-game interviews about guys fouling him too hard.
PF: Blake Griffin
Blake just has a face that you want to punch. Like LeBron, he’s strong and athletic but flops whenever there is a hint of contact. He makes little bitch moves like tying up players and holding on too long, but then acts shocked when he gets called for those things or goes soft when he’s challenged for his little bitch moves.
C: Dwight Howard
The softest center in the game. He’s twice the size of Kobe Bryant yet backs down when Kobe challenges him. He gets called out by everyone for being soft and just smiles and laughs it off. He’s one of the biggest guys in the game and refuses to stand up for himself.
Bench
PG: Patrick Beverley
Challenging Russell Westbrook on a clear timeout and then backing down when challenged was the ultimate bitch move. Beverley is a bitch defender who can’t believe when he’s called for a foul even though he fouls on every possession.
SG: James Harden
Quite possibly the biggest flopper in the game. Harden acts like he gets shot every time he’s touched and then acts like he gets shot every time he’s called for a foul.
SF: Paul Pierce
Remember when Pierce was hauled off in a wheel chair and acted like he was paralyzed only to return to the game moments later? And remember when he acted like he wanted to fight Joakim Noah in a preseason game even though he knew there was five dudes between them? That’s bitch made.
PF: Kevin Love
Minnesota didn’t surround him with a lot of talent, but he was still a bitch for constantly complaining about the situation and wanting to win. Now he’s sort of winning in Cleveland but he’s still complaining because he’s playing third fiddle and not getting enough touches. What a bitch.
C: Chris Bosh
When you have to let out a primal scream after every decent play you make, you bitch made.
PF/C: Anderson Varejao
He was voted as the biggest flopper in the NBA by the players a couple of years ago and he has a face that you’d just like to punch.
SG/SF: Mike Miller
He goes where LeBron goes. That’s a special kind of bitch made. As Samer put it, that's bitchmaid.
Reserve: Evan Fournier
He’s French. Need I say more?
Coach: Derek Fisher
Fisher willingly accepted the New York Knicks head coaching job knowing that he would simply be a pawn for Phil Jackson. Now he’s coaching one of the worst teams in the league (the absolute worst according to Samer) and is a bitch for not thinking for himself and taking a better job.
Owner: Dan Gilbert
He ripped LeBron for leaving and stated that they would win a title before LeBron did. After a bunch of losing seasons he welcomed LeBron back like nothing had happened.
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