Welcome to the Ultimate Football Blog Week Sixteen Power Rankings. Like most power rankings, this list is highly official and should never be doubted. If you disagree with it, you’re probably a moron.
(Also at UltimateFootballBlog.com)
If you play fantasy football, your season probably ended this week. Good. Fantasy football is dumb. I was in a league and ended up finishing third. Last year I was in two leagues and I won them both. But it’s still dumb.
People invest so much time, and even money, in fantasy football and why? Root for a team, not a team of individuals on separate teams.
My girlfriend is in deep on fantasy football. She didn’t know a single NFL player last year but with my help won her fantasy football league last season. This season she didn’t rely on me as much, but I still helped her out along the way. She’s extremely competitive and was upset that she finished second in her league this year. I told her that you can’t win every year, but she wasn’t having that. She was pissed at T.Y. Hilton for not playing and even more pissed at Justin Forsett for sucking. You wanna know who was really pissed at those guys? Colts and Ravens fans. Fans who have been following those two teams for years and will continue to root for Forsett and Hilton. My girlfriend now no longer cares about Hilton because her fantasy season is over and probably doesn’t even know that he plays for the Colts.
I don’t care about her fantasy team or your fantasy team. Don’t tweet that you’re upset at Andrew Luck for being terrible when you don’t actually care about Luck and probably wanted to the Colts to lose anyway. I hope Peyton Manning carried your fantasy team all season and then screwed it up in the biggest way possible on Monday night when he threw four interceptions.
Fantasy sports can be fun when you’re not obsessing about them 24/7 or when you find yourself rooting for teams and players you hate just so you win for fantasy league. Sports are pretty dumb in general because we all find ourselves getting too attached to something that we have no control over. Fantasy sports are even dumber because we find ourselves getting too attached to individual players that we really have no control over. They are team sports for a reason. Individual players rely on their teammates to be successful.
With that, I’m officially retiring from all fantasy sports. I’ll only cheer on the teams that I support and the players on that team. I’ll no longer get invested into individual players because I hope that everyone sucks unless they play for my team.
That said, you should still listen to my buddy Steve Cook and his weekly fantasy football podcast even though the season is over.
1. Derek Carr
Future Hall of Famer Derek Carr did what those scrubs Peyton Manning and Aaron Rodgers couldn’t do against the Buffalo defense: throw a touchdown.
2. NFC South
THE 6-9 FALCONS TAKE ON THE 6-8-1 PANTHERS FOR THE NFC SOUTH DIVISION CROWN!!!!!!
3. Dolphins/Vikings Fourth Quarter
This game was 17-14 when the fourth quarter started. The final score ended up being 37-35. This fourth quarter had it all: touchdowns, field goals, safeties, two point conversions, bad coaching, and everything in between.
4. Saturday Night Football
Where have these primetime games been all season?
5. Jim Harbaugh To Michigan
It’s going to happen and we all know it. Did you see the 49ers blow that lead on Saturday? Harbaugh would much rather be in Michigan making more money and playing in the whatever conference Michigan plays in that isn’t the SEC.
6. “Thanks For Asking”
Marshawn Lynch might be the best interview in sports right now.
7. FIRED UP JIMMY CLAUSEN!
I love Bears fans who actually want Clausen to start next season just because he was fired up and ready to fight the entire Detroit defense. Showing emotion doesn’t make you a good quarterback.
8. Primetime Bengals
I’m not sure if Cold Weather Manning lost or the Primetime Bengals won, but I’ll show the Bengals some love just so Steve Cook doesn’t think I’m bias against his team.
9. People Who Watched Thursday Night Football
God bless you. You’re a better man than I. In fact, I didn’t even know there was a Thursday night game this past week.
10. The INT Battle
With one week left and it looks like Jay Cutler won’t be able to sit on his lead. Can Blake Bortles regain the title he’s held all year? TUNE IN SUNDAY (or whatever day the Bears and Jags play) TO FIND OUT!
20. The Real MVP
We have one week left in the regular season and I have no clue who the MVP is. Aaron Rodgers is probably the front runner, but he hasn’t run away with it as Tom Brady, DeMarco Murray and Tony Romo are all in the mix and you can’t count out J.J. Watt if the Texans make the playoffs.
32. Geno Smith
Once again, Geno wasn’t all that bad. But he’s still Geno Smith and he’s playing in meaningless games. No one shines brighter when the lights are off than Geno Smith.
52. Cardinals QB Situation
The Cardinals could’ve been a legit threat in the playoffs with their defense, but with a fourth string rookie quarterback, I don’t like their chances.
88. Wealthy Jerry Jones
This guy should be backing the dump truck up to the door of Dez Bryant. Get out of here with this “franchise tag” talk.
183. Cold Weather Peyton Manning
I can’t wait to bet against Manning and John Fox in the playoffs.
500. Buffalo Bills Rushing Attack
13 carries for 13 yards. If only they ran the ball 100 times.
1000. New Orleans Saints
What the hell happened to this team? I thought they had the NFC South locked down after beating the Packers and Panthers, but then they lost three straight games before winning at Pittsburgh. They still controlled the NFC South, because the division is that bad, but got drubbed by the Panthers. However, they still controlled the division (did I mention that it’s really bad?) before losing to the Falcons this past week and being officially eliminated from winning the division. This team used to be unbeatable at home but they went 3-5 this year in the Superdome. Maybe they would’ve been better off playing in the Silverdome.
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